Openness & The Gateless Gate
I have entered a phase in life where I have been immensely challenged by the relationships around me. In the past few months, three women have entered my life completely unexpectedly, and have challenged me in ways that I have never been challenged before. I am learning to be strong, to communicate clearly, and to become someone deeply dependable in the process. Although this has been difficult, the way they challenge me serves to make me a better man — and I am all the better for it.
Nonetheless, relationships are difficult. Sometimes the stress of communicating what you’re going through is the last thing you want to do. In the face of a problem, it is easy for men to shut down and try to save our problems for another day. I am now learning that in the face of these obstacles I must remain unwaveringly open, however difficult it may seem. The source of a mans strength is to bring his shoulders back, open up his chest, face the problem directly and address it, right there and then. And unfortunately for us men, remaining open means saying the thing on our minds, and trusting that the truth will carve the path forward for us, wherever that may be.
For the first time in my life, I spoke to Cindy about a trauma I have carried alone for many years. This was not something I wanted to do, nor something I ever saw myself opening up about at this point in the relationship. I noticed the subtle ways I was steering our conversations elsewhere, in the hopes I could deepen our connection away from the thing I was trying to avoid. Unfortunately for me, it was precisely where I wasn’t willing to look that the source of a more profound connection was awaiting discovery. Although I had never told Cindy about my trauma directly, she knew it existed, since I mentioned it to her in a letter I had written her a few months back:
[A letter to Cindy]
Dear Cindy,
Over the past few weeks that I have gotten to know you, I feel that you are the first person I’ve truly connected with in what feels like a long time. Although I’m not good at showing it, having you around has been amazing. We laugh, we listen, we love, and the world fades away. And it’s just you.
I find myself wondering if we crossed paths for a reason. After all, connections like these are few and far between. Perhaps one of us manifested the other (or both of us did, lol). Perhaps it was just physics, a mere mathematical probability that two people with a compatible set of predispositions would cross trajectories eventually. Perhaps some strange combination of the two. In a way it doesn’t matter - we’re here now aren’t we?
There are some things I do know though. Connections like these must be cherished and honoured. I intend to honour and do right by you - and I hope my actions up until this point have been clear in this regard. But sometimes doing the right thing for a relationship means that one party has to overcome themselves, or parts of themselves, in order for the relationship to flourish (yes we’re in a relationship, fight me).
Unfortunately, I’m writing this because there are some things I haven’t been able to tell you. Things I’m terrified to tell you. There was a time in Berlin when I told my friends what I was going through, and all of them left except one. I was left to pick up the pieces of my life completely alone. Although I’m grateful that this has made me who I am today, I’ll be honest — I never wish to feel that feeling again. But now there’s you. And in order for us to move forward and continue deepening our bond, this is something I’ll have to overcome.
It feels like the moment in Indiana Jones’ The Last Crusade, where Jones is forced to step off the edge of a cliff, and cross an invisible bridge in order to reach the Holy Grail. Although I must step off this cliff and walk the bridge alone, I hope you’re there, patiently waiting for me on the other side. Perhaps when I cross that bridge (and I will), we will begin our search of the Holy Grail - whatever that might mean to us.
Cindy, what I would like to tell you is this: In the short time I have gotten to know you, you make me want to be a better man. I want to be the strong person that you, my sister, and my mother can depend on, regardless of what happens. And for this, I cannot thank you enough.
As for you, I admire your honesty and integrity in your actions, your words, and in who you are as a person. I admire it. Overtime, I only wish to be the positive influence that brings more of this out of you.
Schritt für Schritt (step by step).
Thank you for reading,
Marcelo
After our many months of being together, I never had my Indiana Jones moment.
We were on our way back from the gym. We had just finished leg day, and our legs were wobbling helplessly as we made our way to the car. Canada was beginning to get cold, and the beginnings of winter were starting to show. Despite our attempts to get inside the car as quickly as possible, we ended up in deep conversation, and like two distracted puppies, lingered outside her car for way longer than was necessary. As the conversation progressed, I was suddenly faced with the opportunity to tell her the thing. In moments like these, I tend to go with my intuition — whatever it says, goes. And in this case, it beckoned me to tell her.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s talk.”
We decided to enter her car since it was too cold to continue the conversation outside. Still trembling as we made our way inside, I began preparing for what I had to say. A few moments passed in absolute silence as I struggled to think about where to begin. Realizing that there was no right way to say these things, I decided I would begin talking and see where my words would take me.
And right as I was about to speak, my phone began to ring.
Although this may seem like hyperbole, the timing was impeccable. I looked at the caller ID, and was no longer surprised by the timing of the call at all. I answered the phone.
“Hola Abuelita,” I said.
My Grandmother shares a deep spiritual connection with all of her children and grandchildren. She is one of the few kindred spirits in my life with whom I can freely talk to about matters of the heart. We will often find ourselves having conversations about God, the universe, meditation, healthy eating, and everything in between. She is the reason I eat healthy, the reason I trust myself, and the reason I trust the universe to do whatever it is going to do. One day I will write an article about her, because it is the least she deserves after all she has done for me. Nonetheless, my grandmother found a way to call me right when I needed it, as she tends to do.
Although I cannot divulge the contents of the phone call, it was precisely what I needed to hear in that moment. God works in mysterious ways, I remember thinking to myself. After I ended the call, I prepared myself to tell Cindy. As I began speaking, I let my words carry me forward, as I journeyed into the unknown.
-
Immediately after I had told Cindy, a vision came to me, albeit briefly. In this vision I could see an open field with bright orange hues plastering the sky. In the middle of the field was a red door, and from its entrance was emitting a bright white light. It felt as though the image sprang from the depths of my being. As Cindy and I embraced, I could only muster the words to say one thing.
“The Gateless Gate.”
Puzzled, Cindy looked at me and asked what it was. The Gateless Gate I explained, was a Buddhist concept regarding enlightenment. The “gateless” aspect symbolizes the idea that the barrier to enlightenment is an illusion. There is no gate. Thus, if enlightenment were a gate, it would be fundamentally gateless.
Seeing this vision, I realized that perhaps I had gotten one step closer towards the enlightenment I seek. Since opening up about my issues, our relationship has flourished — the foundation is rock solid, and we have used this foundation to build upon and strengthen our relationship. I believe that cultivating relationships where openness is honoured begins carving the path towards living in love and absolute freedom. This is the way.
Thank you for reading.
- Marcelo
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